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BLog home



Confession time. I had a breakdown. An ugly cry breakdown. An overwhelmed, self pity-party.
I like to share pretty things with you. The entire purpose behind this blog is to share my work, educate my clients, and give you a picture of the person who is behind this camera. That last one, it is the one I struggle with. I have confessed that in the past. I feel like my life isn’t very share-able. If you stepped foot in my house today, I would likely have a stroke. The crumbs, dishes and laundry are everywhere. It is a tough week. But it’s more than that. I tend to hold myself to this higher standard. And it is all self-imposed.
I don’t share much of my house…only a snippet of little wall galleries or the occasional Christmas tree. Why? Because it isn’t perfect. We bought this old victorian farm house 8 years ago. It was in shambles. We saved it. We gutted it. We have put blood, sweat and tears into making it a home. I should be proud of it…because quite frankly it wasn’t a pretty place to begin with and now it is a home. The journey through that has been hard. My hubby has worked for years making it all our home. I remember the early days when we finished the kitchen “good enough” and the dining room which was our temporary bedroom and moved in. I remember the peeling wall paper and dusty carpets. I remember watching my husband tear down fireplaces and vault ceilings. I remember every single coat of paint we have applied. I watched us refinish floors, add sheetrock, put up molding. Little by little over the years we took this old house and made it a home. You guys didn’t see any of that. And truthfully no one ever really will. Why? Because I didn’t photograph it. I didn’t see the beauty in the journey. I only saw the end game. And even now, I can’t seem to look past what needs to be done. It is a curse. I should see how far we’ve came and all I see is the slopping floor that needs to be fixed or the missing piece of molding that we need to have replaced. I see the imperfections. I tell you this because my struggle is real.

I am currently working on a new webpage. A webpage that is all me. And it is terrifying. The process started simple. I had my “text”, I had narrowed down my photos to the BEST OF THE BEST and I had a vision. Showing my work is the easy part. Then as I started to get into sharing ME, I started to crumble. I had ideas of what I wanted to tell you all about me. I adore my family, I want you to know them. I have likes that I want to share because it gives us common ground. (Do you know how many people have told me they love gold too or they watch Downton Abbey too now that I have shared that?) But people also need to see my face. And that is where I struggle. I hate photos of myself. I don’t want people to see me, atleast not right now. I am not in a comfortable stage of my life. We had a rough few years. I have had 5 babies. And the stress eating and lack of personal time has weighed on my body. And I don’t like it. I certainly don’t want to share it. I can’t see past those imperfections. I can’t look at a picture of myself right now and see anything but what I am not. I would love photos of my hubby and I together that share our relationship with all of you…but I don’t have them because I would hate ME in them. I actually booked a session for us two for our 10 year anniversary and we never had them done. That was 6 years ago. I kept telling myself that if I waited, I would have time to fix it all. Get my hair done, lose some weight, find a cute outfit. But I just kept waiting.

So this brings us to now. This new webpage that is almost done except it is missing me. It needs photos of me. It needs photos of my hubby and me. It needs me and I broke down into tears over it. It seems too far out of reach to get my life together. It seems like I don’t have enough time to put myself back together to share with the world. And I keep waiting. But I know in my heart I will never be ready to share me. Because I hold myself to a higher standard of perfection, one that i will never reach.

It is really ironic in some ways. That my job is to find beauty in the ordinary. I can make a field of weeds look breathtaking. I can take peeling paint or rusted metal and make it beautiful. I love leaving sessions when people see nothing and I deliver a gallery of what I see. I see beauty of love and relationships. I see nerves melt away in front of my camera. I see past the things that go wrong on the wedding day and I see what is there within those two people. I can take the moment as it is and show you why it is beautiful. But I can’t seem to do that same thing with myself.

So today, I am trying to give myself grace. I am trying to not see the imperfections but look past them to see the beauty. I may not be what I want to be right now on the outside, but my heart is where I want to be and I can’t wait to share that with you.

And if you are curious…the new webpage is set to debut on June 1st!! Stay tuned!


Me and my little Finn captured by Britt Woodall in 2013. 🙂

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