Today’s post is extremely personal, to the point that I debated posting it for months. I have shared some of our life trials in the past. I have shared bits and pieces of myself with you all, but I always come back to the pretty photos. Today is about sharing something that is deeply personal but impacted my life so much I had to share it. Maybe it will change you too. Maybe you need to hear it? Sometimes I am amazed at the way life leads you right to where you are supposed to be in that moment. I had heard great things about the Pursuit conference (which is happening again right now). I would love to attend, but traveling and paying for a conference just wasn’t in the cards for me. But when I got the email that they were broadcasting live online, I couldn’t wait to tune in. I listened to the speakers as I edited one night. I sat there listening to one of the talks when I was stopped dead in my tracks. I flipped over to the screen and sat with my mouth open listening to what I felt coming from my heart in this speaker.

“He’s been talking lately.
Like a boy who goes radio silent for weeks before his name starts showing up on your screen again, God has been talking in that way.
I guess I should state the facts: he’s probably been talking all along. He probably has been whispering and trying his darndest to yell above the noise of my life and I just haven’t heard him. That’s usually the case– I am running, and doing, and pulling, and prying, and trying my hardest (my absolute hardest) to make life move without him. And that’s just the second fact: I like to be in control. I like to know the elements around me. I like to know what follows after Step 1. And so the idea of a God of the universe has always, sort-of rubbed up against me like sandpaper because I don’t want to let anything in that might make me unclench my fists and give up control. 

Give up control.
That would be the anthem of my life these days. Give up control & let me work.
That’s the first thing I heard when my car pulled onto the campus of the retreat center I was staying at for four days last week. I only had to speak one of the days. The other three days were like God’s perfect, compact entryway to tear into my life and show me all the parts of me that he could stand to change. It’s like he had a list. A List of Things to Change. 
I think that’s the part of God I’ve always resisted. I think maybe that’s why a lot of people resist God and try their hardest to disprove him, or hitchhike away from him, or make him a sliver of their life but not their whole entire life.
I used to think the people who made God the center of their orbit– the sun within their solar system– were crazy. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand it. I thought, “Don’t you want control? Don’t you want to hold all the cards?”
That was God to me. God and I, we’d talk every once in a while. I didn’t look for him in the trees. I prayed when I needed stuff. God was like Santa Claus– I came to him with lists and I wanted him to leave presents for me while I was sleeping. I remember being really clear when I told God, “Listen, you get parts of me. You get very tiny parts of me but you don’t get all of me. Sorry. Not working that way.” Like I said, control is my thing.

The world has constructed a lot of gods out of God.
We live in this culture that does a really good job of taking one characteristic of the God of the universe and blowing it out to proportions where it smothers all the other characteristics.
I mean, it’s easy to believe in a God of Wrath. It’s easy to believe in that Leviticus kind of God. He’s the dude that ruins the party. He thinks less of us already. He holds his measuring stick high to our chins and whispers, “Just try, if you want. You’ve already fallen from grace in my eyes.” He points fingers and names names. And we throw up hands and curl in corners because this God never fit us. And this God failed the already failed ones.
When that is your own perception of God then it makes it so much easier to walk away from him. It’s easy to be free from the dictator God. It’s a perfect opportunity to bash him in circles and find common ground among the people who also have been hurt by a God of Wrath.
And similarly, it’s easy to believe in a God who is lukewarm. A passive little God who fits smug in your back pocket and you get the chance to pull him out whenever you need him to fight your battles. He’s like a Pokemon. I mean, it’s convenient to believe in a God who will always be smaller than you. It’s convenient to worship a God you get to play god over.
And then there is the God who showers you with praise. And the God who winks and nudges you at when you notice the bible verse on the bottom of the Forever 21 bag. It’s the God who doesn’t ask you to change and just exists to stroke your ego and tell you everything– every little thing– will be more than okay. He’s the God we plaster the quotes of on coffee mugs and journals. He’s sunshine and roses, always. Always.
But it gets uncomfortable when you meet the God who could stand to change you. The God who says, “Yes, I made you but I never had the plan of keeping you this way.”
This is the God who wants to morph you and mold you into something better. That’s supremely uncomfortable to believe in because the molding hurts. And the morphing hurts. And it would be easier– so much easier– to just stand in one place with the God of Wrath, or the Passive God, or the God who never needs you to dig deeper beneath the surface.
 
I met the God who could stand to change me.
I met him the moment I drove onto that campus and wheeled my little, red carry-on into my bedroom, the one with the rooster lamp and the strange farm scenes playing out all over my blue bedspread.
You see, I’ve been to this retreat center before. I’ve stood in this bedroom before. I know that if I walk to the closet and open the door, I will be met with all sorts of Sharpie marker scribblings all over the walls. The scribbles are from people who came to this retreat center with marriages crumbling and holding on by threads. Hoping God would move. Hoping God would pulse. I knew when I stepped into that room that, if I opened my closet door, I would find redemption stories dancing all over the walls in red and blue.
I left the suitcase at the door and I walked into the bathroom. I remembered the bathroom from the year before because the tub was massive, it was the type of tub I really hope I have one day. The type of tub that makes me think you’re a real adult if you have a tub so big.
I stared at the tub for a minute or so before stepping inside– clothes on and shoes on– and sitting down square in the middle of that tub. I am serious, I laid in the tub with my Nike pumps kicked up against the porcelain and I just closed my eyes. And I opened them. And I closed them. And the silence was deafening and I hated it so. I hate that kind of silence you can’t escape from, the kind that encloses all around you, because you know God is going to speak eventually. And you are afraid of what He will say. You are so afraid of what he will want of you.
I just stayed. Right there. I didn’t reach for my phone. I didn’t look for a way to push into some new distraction that would take me away from him so I easily. I stayed. And I started to pick at the polish of my nails. Flecks of red fell off and all around me into the tub. And as I chipped, he spoke. As I chipped, he spoke. And I was torn between interrupting. Interrupting to say, “I’ve missed you. Where have you been?” But I know his answer already.
I know he would have said right back, “I never left you. I never leave you. You’re just busy. You’re busy and you’re hustling and you are doing all these things that allow you to stay distracted enough that you never need to come to me. 
But haven’t you felt empty, child? Haven’t you missed the feeling of being full? Child, child, put your armor down. I never left you, you’ve just been trying to get away.” 
 
He’s right, I’ve been trying to get away.
Because I am human. And that’s what humans do. I pack and I flee away from the light. I look for the answers in the world all around me. I think I steer better and own my dreams better. But more than that, I have not stopped convincing myself yet that I am a better keeper of my own emptiness. I think I am really so good at guarding my own emptiness and letting no one near enough to touch and tell me, “You could clear this all away if you really wanted to.”
“Fine,” I whisper in the depths of that tub. “Just do it. Just do your work.”
Chip. Chip. Chip. The paint continues to fall away.
“Just make me into gold. All those bible verses, they tell me that I could be your gold. Do what it takes to make me your gold.”
Chip, chip, chip…
I feel him doing his work. Whispering into the old parts of me, “Done with this. Over with that. Gone goes that ugly part of you.”
Chip, chip, chip…
“Never again will you find your worth in this. Darling, aren’t you tired of holding this? Don’t you want to just let it go?”
Chip, chip, chip…
And then the quiet. I stay still. I close my eyes. Open them. Close them. And the voice comes back, the one that sounds like silver and victory. It rushes in to stop my sobs for good, “You, I love you. Gosh, it hurts so to express how I love you because I know you don’t see it. Somehow you don’t see what I think of you– you only see yourself through the lens of a world that wants you to get so small that you disappear altogether. 
I want so much of you. I am so jealous for you. I love you bigger. Bigger than your little mind can ever know. And that is why I can never leave you this way.  Sitting in the tubs of your own emptiness. That is why I can’t keep you here, clutching old garments of your past.
I have so much new for you, little bee. I have so much new for you. 
Baby, baby, all will be well. But you have to let me take it from here. You have to let it go and let me take it from here.”

–Hannah Brencher

That message hit me like a ton of bricks. I was meant to hear this. I have no doubt that God placed that message before me. It was as if all the things I thought but never truly admitted were listed out before me. Control, how I like control. God has been working so hard in my life the last few years to get me to give up control. I am a list maker, planner, and dreamer. I have plans for my plans. I thought I had it all figured out in the perfect little plan of mine and he stripped it all away one by one. He changed me, he changed us. He took every bit of comfort I thought I had in things that were never really meant to comfort me. He stripped away all that I had worked so hard to get. I felt empty and defeated and scared and alone. Life got so incredibly lonely for me for a long time, longer than I cared to admit. I sat there at the depths of my self-pity and wondered why God would let this happen. Why would we be faced with such huge life changes at such a time in our lives? At first I blamed him. I blamed him so much for letting these things happen to us. But then he continued to show me. FEAR NOT MY CHILD. As my worry grew, he sent blessings. Fears were calmed, prayers were answered. But I still didn’t fully trust his plan. So he kept chipping. I have always heard people say you have to hit rock bottom to fully change, but I never believed it. I found the saying ridiculous. Just like how people say something is “God’s will” is supposed to take this tragic event and make it somehow manageable. But I can see now that the plans he had for us were greater. He was stripping away the walls I worked so hard to build and finally showing me what was on the other side. Showing me what he had intended for this family. I still fear so incredibly much some days. But I know that whatever happens, it will be ok. God will be there. He always was.